I Choose Happiness

I thought I found “him”. The “him” that every woman hopes to find, the “him” that could ease my worried mind, the “him” that made me think it would last forever…. but boy, was I wrong. I knew him for years and we were together for 14 months, I was so attached, so drawn, so hooked, I thought I found “him”. We argued about little things, a lot of things, we didn’t speak for days. We spent as much time together as we could, we’d talk everyday, I only had eyes for “him”. We were so different yet so similar in mental and physical ways, the first time I fell in love and I swore I found “him”.

I told my family about him, I let him in. I wanted it, I needed it but soon I came to realize a few things. See, I’m very territorial when it comes to mine, at times I felt like I was wasting my time because one after the other “they” would pop up but he wouldn’t put his foot down in the right way. They didn’t respect him or me, but they wanted what they could see. Dirty looks, rumors and subliminal messages thrown but I am one person who will not be dethroned. Never to my face but behind my back so ain’t nobody got time for that. I destroy threats as soon as they arise, but cutting them off for me? Of course there was no surprise that it didn’t happen. “They” said whatever they wanted but only I would hear because he thinks ignoring it all would make it disappear.

And then it got worse, and all communication stopped and I knew what was coming next. It was over….. My fragile heart was shattered into a billion pieces, and it replayed in my head every day for months. I ran out of tears and went numb, having died a million deaths. All I could think of were all the promises he made, and suddenly it was as if it was all my fault, somehow… Abandoned, wounded, dead inside, I had no one but myself. Where was the person who promised to be there forever? Making business and family plans, buttering me up all to well, only to have it all fall apart.

New year, new argument, and that was the last time I took your shit, your belittling attitude and cold tone. I bet you don’t remember half of what you said or half of “us” for that matter. I stopped the tape, no more replays. I chose to dust myself off and be happy! One of the best decisions I’ve made in a long while. If you weren’t sad then why should I be? You certainly bounced back easily but I guess what they say is true, when u break up with someone mentally months before, or you had your eye on them all along. I kept my distance and minded my business. I starting writing again, I got more focused, I left the past in the past and I’m moving forward. I went through it all, all by myself, and my eyes have never been opened wider. I enjoy being alone, dancing in the mirror, laughing at life’s jokes. God tends to not give us what we ask for to teach us that we should aim for more, or gives us what we want to show that it was not for us. I left so much unsaid because it made no sense, I’d rather leave it all behind. I hope to one day find “him”, but I am in no rush, enjoying my life and living with new found wisdom. Being by myself and learning about me is all I needed. I don’t know if the love is hiding or if it has left, but I still do care, if you may ever need a listening ear. Maybe I’m too good of a person, but one day soon the right one will take me as I am, love and appreciate all of me, and allow his actions to support and not contradict his words. “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead” – Adele

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2 thoughts on “I Choose Happiness

  1. Devonnie Garvey

    My favourite part of this was the line: “God tends to not give us what we ask for to teach us that we should aim for more, or gives us what we want to show that it was not for us.”

    It’s easy to be so caught up in our own internal workings and what we think of the individual that we start to overcompensate for their own shortcomings and obvious lack of reciprocation of how strongly we feel. Every girl has felt it. I have felt it, more than once too. But that line makes reminds me that it’ll be fine even after it feels like your world has been ripped in two. We all deserve to be loved wholly and incomparably, but the emphasis that the world places on this whole “love” thing has brainwashed us into settling sometimes, I think.

    This was a great read. It puts the whirlwind of feelings we feel after heartbreak into perspective. Great job.

    Like

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