I Choose Happiness

I thought I found “him”. The “him” that every woman hopes to find, the “him” that could ease my worried mind, the “him” that made me think it would last forever…. but boy, was I wrong. I knew him for years and we were together for 14 months, I was so attached, so drawn, so hooked, I thought I found “him”. We argued about little things, a lot of things, we didn’t speak for days. We spent as much time together as we could, we’d talk everyday, I only had eyes for “him”. We were so different yet so similar in mental and physical ways, the first time I fell in love and I swore I found “him”.

I told my family about him, I let him in. I wanted it, I needed it but soon I came to realize a few things. See, I’m very territorial when it comes to mine, at times I felt like I was wasting my time because one after the other “they” would pop up but he wouldn’t put his foot down in the right way. They didn’t respect him or me, but they wanted what they could see. Dirty looks, rumors and subliminal messages thrown but I am one person who will not be dethroned. Never to my face but behind my back so ain’t nobody got time for that. I destroy threats as soon as they arise, but cutting them off for me? Of course there was no surprise that it didn’t happen. “They” said whatever they wanted but only I would hear because he thinks ignoring it all would make it disappear.

And then it got worse, and all communication stopped and I knew what was coming next. It was over….. My fragile heart was shattered into a billion pieces, and it replayed in my head every day for months. I ran out of tears and went numb, having died a million deaths. All I could think of were all the promises he made, and suddenly it was as if it was all my fault, somehow… Abandoned, wounded, dead inside, I had no one but myself. Where was the person who promised to be there forever? Making business and family plans, buttering me up all to well, only to have it all fall apart.

New year, new argument, and that was the last time I took your shit, your belittling attitude and cold tone. I bet you don’t remember half of what you said or half of “us” for that matter. I stopped the tape, no more replays. I chose to dust myself off and be happy! One of the best decisions I’ve made in a long while. If you weren’t sad then why should I be? You certainly bounced back easily but I guess what they say is true, when u break up with someone mentally months before, or you had your eye on them all along. I kept my distance and minded my business. I starting writing again, I got more focused, I left the past in the past and I’m moving forward. I went through it all, all by myself, and my eyes have never been opened wider. I enjoy being alone, dancing in the mirror, laughing at life’s jokes. God tends to not give us what we ask for to teach us that we should aim for more, or gives us what we want to show that it was not for us. I left so much unsaid because it made no sense, I’d rather leave it all behind. I hope to one day find “him”, but I am in no rush, enjoying my life and living with new found wisdom. Being by myself and learning about me is all I needed. I don’t know if the love is hiding or if it has left, but I still do care, if you may ever need a listening ear. Maybe I’m too good of a person, but one day soon the right one will take me as I am, love and appreciate all of me, and allow his actions to support and not contradict his words. “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead” – Adele

Advertisements

I Am More Than My Body

20 and a half is the amount of time I have been blessed with to walk the earth, two decades of having mixed feelings, self doubt and even depression. Growing up, being a simple girl, I was never really accepted with the “in” crowd. I had many friends, or so I’d like to think, but not for long. I had to learn on my own, something they do not teach you in school, something your parents may not tell you about, something you have to dig deep to grasp, and that was self love.

I was often teased about my appearance because I was very slim with bow legs, a trait that seemed to have been passed down to me by my father. I am roughly 5’6″, very petite, and found it extremely hard to gain weight due to my high metabolic rate, but this was not something I cared to explain. School can be cruel, a place that felt like prison with inmates from various places with different backgrounds and while having problems of their own, decided to make themselves feel better by throwing insults at other persons who are just a bit different.┬áNot everyone grew up in a rough and tough manner and being the quiet, withdrawn person I mostly am, I did not know how to deal with it. In high school I became mildly depressed with a snappy attitude and quickly developed a strong dislike for school, waiting for the clock to strike 2:30pm Monday to Friday. I did not want to partake in physical activities or any activity that required me to change out of my uniform because I did not want to be seen. Walking by my fellow school mates who would call me names and snicker as I passed by and why? Because I did not have much physical assets for my age. Because I did not blossom into a voluptuous woman.

I hated my appearance and no one could change my mind. I did not go out on weekends, I did not want to look at myself in the mirror, I was upset clothing bought over a year ago could still fit! I was a very good student but I tried my best to make as few interactions as possible. I have been rejected by guys because I am “too skinny” and have been told to “gain weight and try again”.┬áBut then I did some research of my own, I decided to stop cowering, I decided to take these insults about my body with a grain of salt, I stepped out of my shell the day I reached within and decided that I will not play the victim anymore. Yes, I’m slim, I’m beautiful and I love myself no matter how many times you choose to comment on my weight.

In recent times, although people still comment on my body, because of the way in which I carry myself, I have been getting more positive than negative comments. I am now able to embrace myself with confidence, my petite body, my beautiful black skin, my big head and my bow legs. I have blossomed into the woman I was meant to become and have found people who accept me for who I am at all times. Many people think that body shaming only exists when a person has a more voluptuous body or when someone is overweight but this is not so. I have been accused of starving myself, among other things when this is so far from the truth. So, take me with my pointy hip bones, exposed collar bones and skinny fingers or leave me alone, because I love myself and I Am More Than My Body.